come five months

March 16, 2018
Dublin

There are a lot of days in my pockets. There are 48 more to go until the aeroplane takes me back home.

34 days ago in Berlin, my life did a somersault. Some pieces fell out of my jacket and smashed but one thing that I know very well is how to wipe the slate clean. Give it a polish and a kiss for good luck. Pick up my things and start again. I don't know if it gets easier but you do get better at it.

When my camera was lost that day in Berlin, I stood on an empty train platform and stared at the grey sky and billboards and I spoke to the Universe (or myself, who knows), realizing two things that felt very true.

The first was that I needed to separate from my partner and stand on my own for awhile. The years had compounded on my back and my spine was slumping. I fought against the decision in the beginning, but with a lot of encouragement from Jerred to take the time to go deep into my heart and spread my wings, as he's always said, I hunkered down. Still reluctantly sometimes. I still kick and scream and cry sometimes. But I'm also sucking in air. I'm deconstructing beliefs that have been calling the shots. I'm accepting change.

The second was that I want to support myself through my photographs. Instantly, I had lost the ability to create images. And it was like losing an arm. I didn't realize how many hopes and dreams I had wrapped up in this thing. So okay okay okay—I'll give it a go. Okay okay okay—I'll actually try for something for once. So I guess I'm going to go freelance when I get back to Canada. Okay okay okay—let's see where this goes.

It feels like a lot of things are shifting—moving like dunes in the wind.

Someone said how awesome it is that I've found my path, that I've discovered a life that works for me. And I guess there's some truth to that. I love my life. I love wandering and drifting and discovering. It feels so natural.

But I can get stuck in a lifestyle same as anyone. I'm content and happy, but also too comfortable.

Anything can become a hamster wheel. It's easy to choose what you know, to stay safe, to keep your feathers smooth, to avoid feeling fear in your belly.

And sometimes I wonder (worry) if I'm content or just apathetic.

But I do love my life. I am in love with my life. I'm in Ireland now and it's immensely beautiful—everything I've been looking for these past weeks. I have been waiting and waiting to arrive here. At first, Dublin was making me feel haggard so I vanished to Howth for a day and ran through the heath and ate hummus on the cliffs and hiked along the shore and climbed through the rocks and I was smiling and breathing and here. Humbled with gratitude. Relieved. Present. Connected. There's a simplicity to days like these that I've been missing.

Oh but I'm eager for what's next.

I'm eager to get back to my mountains, camera in hand.